\u201cMonty Python and the Holy Grail\u201d\u00a0<\/a>and we are suddenly diverted from the moment.\u00a0Our accents transform, our faces contort into character, and we recite the lines from memory:\u00a0The French Taunter. The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch. The Knights Who Say \u201cNi!\u201d<\/p>\nThe 2019 Mini Cooper JCW Knights Edition is like that. It’s a\u00a0hilarious diversion from the everyday\u00a0five-door sea of utes on our byways.<\/p>\n
Mini, of course, is not so mini anymore. Now a member of the BMW family, the hatchback is based on the similar front-wheel drive platform used for small Bimmers, giving it a 98-inch wheelbase that is big stretch from the wee 80-inch shoeboxes that made the Oxford-built Mini a ’60s legend.<\/p>\n
But next to your average Ford Explorer,\u00a0the Brit is a midget, and its signature bits haven\u2019t changed: square shape, mirrors the size of bowling balls, goggle-eyed headlamps.<\/p>\n
Add on the special JCW Knights trim and it\u2019s like throwing the Killer Rabbit into the middle of King Arthur\u2019s army. JCW stands for John Cooper Works, the hot-hatch edition of the Mini named after its English co-founder. He\u2019d be proud. The JCW is stuffed with performance in the tradition of a car that has slayed many a larger competitor on track: 228 horsepower, taut suspension, Sport performance mode.<\/p>\n
The Knights edition turns up the volume.<\/p>\n
Its armor is as black as the suits of the Knights Who Say \u201cNi!\u201d, giving it a comically sinister look. Its front bumper is smeared with red paint. It\u2019s as if a goggle-eyed minion from the \u201cDespicable Me\u201d movies (another Payne favorite) threw on a black Ninja suit and tied a red bandana.<\/p>\n
Add to the comic fierceness a body tattooed with faux performance accents like\u00a0racing stripes, fake hood scoop, fake front gills, fake rear diffuser. Start it up and the Mini snorts to life through twin tailpipes.<\/p>\n
\u201cNone shall pass!\u201d growls the Black Knight.<\/em><\/p>\nFlick the drive-mode switch to Sport and the JCW swaggers down the street barking and farting obnoxiously like the French Taunter (uninitiated Pythonites can look it up on YouTube). Like the signature big peepers outside, the Mini sports a unique, Broadway kick-line of switches on the lower console. Off\/on anchors the middle.<\/p>\n
Like an airline pilot, I habitually flicked On, Sport\u00a0and Stop\/Start switches in sequence when jumping into the cockpit. It\u2019s here that BMW\u2019s stern German demeanor interrupts British levity.<\/p>\n
Like its diesel-shamed countryman Volkswagen, BMW literature these days is full of sober sermons about a dying planet and endangered polar bears. That piety translates to the wee Brit in the form of the annoying Start\/Stop button (making Mini cough at stoplights) and Green\u00a0driving mode.<\/p>\n
Yes, a Green driving mode in a JCW Knights edition. It makes as much sense as a pink bow on a Rottweiler and I suspect it will be the Cooper\u2019s most ignored feature.<\/p>\n
Happily, the BMW influence is felt in other, more meaningful areas. Like the drivetrain.<\/p>\n
As an upscale front-engine hot-hatch, the JCW faces formidable competition from the VW Golf GTI, Mazda 3, Hyundai Veloster N and Honda Civic Type R. Its BMW-derived technology is worthy of the challenge.<\/p>\n
BMW’s trusty 2.0-liter turbo-4 pumps out 228 horses and a healthy 236\u00a0pound-feet of torque. The driveline puts the power down beautifully without torque-steer. Outfitted with sturdy, six-speed manual shifter (auto optional) with\u00a0the stalk rising out of the console like Excalibur from the lake (\u201cYou can’t expect to wield supreme power just ’cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!\u201d),\u00a0the Mini is a hoot to row through the gears.<\/p>\n
German engineering also aids in the front-wheel driver\u2019s rotation. Where most front-wheel drive cars struggle on turn-in, the autocross-focused Mini is outfitted with front torque-vectoring in which\u00a0rotation into corners is aided by braking the inside front wheel. The result is sharp no-plow turn-in.\u00a0I was tempted by vacant parking lots to do full-throttle\u00a0tire-burning loops,\u00a0normally something I would only try in, say, a rear-wheel drive Camaro.<\/p>\n
But brake-induced torque-vectoring is not the same as the more sophisticated\u00a0limited-slip differential found on the Golf GTI and Type-R (which will also carve a mean apex),\u00a0and it begs my cloth-seat, $41,050 JCW\u2019s value compared to these much more affordable five-door hot-hatches.<\/p>\n
With just three doors (including the\u00a0hatch), the Mini is space-challenged compared to its segment peers. Rear-seat room for giant knights like me (after I contorted myself behind the front seat) isn\u2019t bad,\u00a0but hatch cargo-space is virtually nonexistent. If you pick up four at the airport, expect to carry baggage in your lap.<\/p>\n
Perhaps the short-wheelbase Mini doesn\u2019t need limited-slip, but my Knight was shy on other technology as well. Like blind-spot assist. I count it as a safety essential\u00a0and it’s standard on compacts costing thousands of dollars below the JCW. Then again, the JCW has irresistible touches like the British flag formed by criss-crossing LEDs in the taillights. Dude, cool.<\/p>\n
In keeping with its quirky nature, the Brit offers the best navigation system this side of a smartphone \u2014 better than the\u00a0$58,000\u00a0BMW 3-series I recently tested<\/a>. Where the German couldn\u2019t understand my American accent, the Mini and I conversed like old friends.<\/p>\n\u201cNavigate to Kart-2-Kart in Sterling Heights,\u201d I barked. No problem. The directions popped up instantly \u2014 complete with quickest route in rush hour traffic. Hmmm, maybe the wee Brit wanted to take some kart laps itself.<\/p>\n
The screen was easy to negotiate on the Mini\u2019s dinner-plate-sized center touch screen. Don\u2019t like touchscreens? There\u2019s a BMW-derived remote rotary-dial just like a 3-series. This Brit-German marriage shares some interesting DNA.<\/p>\n
For the most part, the German bits are a plus. BMW doesn\u2019t cut corners on the interior. From round console to round dial to round speakers, this is Mini funhouse all the way. Change drive-modes and the console screen changes colors \u2014\u00a0Red! Orange! Green!\u00a0<\/em>\u2014 like a carnival ride.<\/p>\nThe Mini JCW Knight is an expensive ticket to fun. But for the initiated, it\u2019s got a cute, maniacal character all its own.<\/p>\n
\u201cRun away! That rabbit\u2019s dynamite!\u201d,as King Arthur might yell.<\/em><\/p>\n2019\u00a0Mini Cooper JCW Knights Edition<\/strong><\/h3>\nVehicle type:\u00a0Front-engine, front-wheel drive, five-passenger compact hatchback<\/p>\n
Powerplant: 2.0-liter, turbocharged inline 4-cylinder<\/p>\n
Transmission: 6-speed manual<\/p>\n
Weight:\u00a02,860 pounds<\/p>\n
Price: $32,750\u00a0base JCW including $850 destination fee ($41,065 Knights Edition as tested)<\/p>\n
Power: 228\u00a0horsepower, 236\u00a0pound-feet torque<\/p>\n
Performance: 0-60 mph, 6.1 seconds (mfr.); top speed: 153\u00a0mph<\/p>\n
Fuel economy: EPA 25 mpg city\/32 highway\/28 combined<\/p>\n
Report card<\/p>\n
Highs: Mini fierce; nimble handling<\/p>\n
Lows: Lacks standard safety-assist features; pricey<\/p>\n
Overall: \u2605\u2605\u2605<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Count on the Brits for a bit of fun. The comedy troupe Monty Python infected my family years ago with its\u00a0humor. Call out a scene from\u00a0\u201cMonty Python and the Holy Grail\u201d\u00a0and we are suddenly diverted from the moment.\u00a0Our accents transform, our faces contort into character, and we recite the lines from memory:\u00a0The French Taunter. The […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[7,87],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/henrypayne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/24006"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/henrypayne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/henrypayne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/henrypayne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/henrypayne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=24006"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/henrypayne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/24006\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/henrypayne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=24006"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/henrypayne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=24006"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/henrypayne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=24006"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
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