Henry Payne Blog

Cartoon: Cruella Whitmer

Posted by Talbot Payne on June 13, 2021

Cartoon: Bezos Outer Space

Posted by Talbot Payne on June 13, 2021

Payne: BMW M4 has big grille, big power — and big identity crisis

Posted by Talbot Payne on June 13, 2021

Say hello to the 2021 BMW M4 coupe. B stands for “big”: big kidney grille, big proportions, big power, big sticker price.

Big ambition.

Most of it works, but the big news is that M4 is no longer the brand’s premier track rat. That title belongs to the smaller, apex-slicing M2 coupe — a rocket with the same proportions as the 2000 E46 M3 that established M as the handling standard for performance coupes. Twenty years later, M badge proliferates throughout the BMW lineup, from the M2, M5 and M8 to even M versions of its X3 and X5 SUVs.

Even the 2021 BMW M4 graphics for low tire pressure are cool.

And as the M4 (now the coupe’s badge, M3 is a sedan) has grown, it has shed some of its athletic identity to the nimbler M2. If today’s M2 is a scalpel, then the M4 is, well … having a bit of an identity crisis.

It’s a tweener between the M2 and the 600-horsepower M5 hammer. Like a 6’8” NBA player who wants to play guard. Or an electric guitar player who prefers Beethoven concertos. In M4’s case it wants … Ford Focus RS-like drift mode.

That’s right, drift mode.

On M1 Concourse’s Champion Speedway track, the M4 felt confused. Exploding out of the Turn 6 hairpin onto the back straight, the 473-horsepower, twin-turbo, 3.0-liter mill soared. I ripped off quick manual shifts — long live the manual! — as BMW’s inline-6 cylinder’s endless torque curve lit up the digital RPM instrument display. Thanks to M-mode, that display can be projected on the windscreen in my direct line of sight so I could upshift before the torque wave slammed into the 7,200-RPM redline.

Good seats, Intuitive controls. The 2021 BMW M4 has one of the best cockpits in autodom.

But as I entered Champion’s long Turn 7, M4 suddenly wanted to be a Fast and Furious drifter — its rear stepping out — rather than firmly planted like Ms of old. The rubbery manual shifter doesn’t help, making it hard to find gears under heavy g-loads. The smooth engine and ragged handling clash.

Blame M’s confusion on three traction modes — Stability control ON, Stability Control OFF and the M Drift Analyzer (aka, drift mode) with its 10 settings. On M1’s skid pad afterward, I rotated around pylons like I was a steel horse negotiating rodeo barrels. The Drift Analyzer is a fun challenge to harness — though by the time you figure it out, your expensive Michelin Pilot Sport 4 tires may be reduced to dust.

It all felt like too much. How do you say “Jump the shark” in German?

I pined for the simplicity of my ol’ 3,480-pound 2001 E46 M3 — its raspy, 330-horse inline-6 singing at 8,000 RPM while the taut 107-inch chassis intuitively found apexes. Today, that simplicity is found in the M2 with its comparable weight, 16-inch wheelbase and 405 horsepower. If you frequent track days, M2 is the E46’s true heir.

M4 has stretched five inches beyond those athletes, tipping the sales at a porky 3,709 pounds.

The new Bimmer was more in its element on a day trip to Mid-Ohio race track, where I was competing with my SCCA Lola sports racer.

Unlike 2-seat sports cars, the 2021 BMW M4 has a working back seat.

On the Buckeye State’s country roads (traction control on), the turbo-6’s siren song was addictive. Like Corvette Z-mode or Porsche’s Sport Response button, the M4 makes it easy to program the car to your liking. I prefer Sport Plus mode and the enhanced wail of the 6-cylinder.

There is no lag at low revs and gobs of power at redline. I opted for electronic rev-matching to make manual downshifts smooth and satisfying. Just keep your eye on the tachometer as triple-digit speeds arrive quickly.

On longer interstate stretches, the BMW’s superb interior shines.

Ergonomics are some of the best in the industry. The fat steering wheel felt rooted to the road. Instrument and infotainment displays are well placed, and the M4 adds (at a fee, of course) a head-up display that contains relevant speed/navigation/radio details so your eyes never have to leave the road.

Under the graphically rich dash screen is useful console phone storage despite the presence of the huge signature iDrive rotary screen controller. Redundancy is everywhere, including touchscreen controls if the iDrive doesn’t suit you. Oh, and there’s a row of radio preset buttons under the screen.

BMW is on the cutting edge of electronic technology, and M4 automatically detected my Samsung smartphone with wireless Android Auto each time I entered the car. This effortless synchronization of phone and car is the future of car-phone integration, and BMW even mirrored my phone’s Google Maps in the head-up display.

My $93,000 tester came with all the bells and whistles, including $3,400 carbon fiber seats and blue-and-yellow stitched interior that would make Gucci jealous. For those who don’t need such razzle-dazzle, the standard seats are luxury enough.

The 2021 BMW M4 gets a complete makeover, including elegant rear tail lamps and nice lines.

Interiors have been an M strength dating to my BMW ownership days. I chose the M3 over a Porsche Boxster/Cayman because I had a family and needed the coupe’s backseat to seat four. That same practicality holds today as buyers look at competitively priced coupes from Porsche and Corvette.

Speaking of competitive, I tested an M2 at the same time as the M4. It also seats four but for thousands of dollars less. Indeed, the rear seat room of the M2 matches M4 despite the latter’s stretched wheelbase. What’s more, M2 also brings electronic tricks like wireless phone connectivity (if not quite matching the M4’s poshness).

With a healthy 405 horsepower from the same, slightly detuned turbo I-6, the 3,415-pound M2 actually has a better power-to-weight ratio than the 473-horse, 3,700-pound M4. Bimmer seems determined to push M4 into grand tourer territory and crown the M2 its new track halo.

One big M4 ambition I took a shine to, however, was the full-fascia kidney grille.

The polarizing kidneys were a source of constant comment in the Mid-Ohio paddock. They are aggressive. They are grille-zilla, and I liked them. They match M4’s masculinity and power.

Grille-zilla is also available on the cheaper M450i, AWD version of the 4-series that I drove to Hell and back earlier this year. Endowed with the same interior tricks as M4, this may be — pound-for-pound — the best 4-series. Big grille, big power, but without the big sticker.

For those who want the legendary M thrill on the track, let me suggest M2 Jr.

The 2021 BMW M4 is the halo model of the M-brand that now includes other models like the M2 and M8 - and M X3 and M X5 SUVs. All are as fun on track as they are on road.

2021 BMW M4

Vehicle type: Front-engine, rear-wheel-drive, four-passenger sports coupe

Price: $72,795, including $995 destination fee ($93,795 as tested)

Powerplant: 3.0-liter twin-turbocharged inline-6 cylinder

Power: 473 horsepower, 406 pound-feet of torque

Transmission: 6-speed manual, 8-speed automatic

Performance: 0-60 mph, 3.8 seconds (Car and Driver); top speed, 180 mph

Weight: 3,709 pounds

Fuel economy: EPA, 16 mpg city/23 highway/19 combined

Report card

Highs: Inline-6 cylinder from the gods; that big grille actually looks pretty good

Lows: Identity crisis; cheaper M2 a better buy

Overall: 3 stars

Cartoon: Biden China Challenge

Posted by Talbot Payne on June 7, 2021

Cartoon: Fauci Email Fibs

Posted by Talbot Payne on June 3, 2021

Payne: Meet the Volkswagen Taos, successor of Golf, son of Atlas

Posted by Talbot Payne on June 3, 2021

Certain milestones crystalize new realities. When we Skyped my kids in college. When Amazon Prime promised it could deliver my gifts Christmas week. When my phone became my camera.

And when the Volkswagen Taos SUV replaced the Golf hatchback.

The 2022 VW Taos is a subcompact SUV with size. Starting at $24,190, it replaces the VW Golf in the brand's lineup to compete against SUVs like the Jeep Compass and Subaru Crosstrek.

So dominant are SUVs in the U.S. marketplace that VW has ditched its iconic Golf. Sure, the Golf GTI and R performance variants will live on, but as small-volume halo cars. That’s right, the Golf is now the VW brand equivalent of a Mazda Miata. How the world has changed.

In the Golf’s place now as VW’s entry-level compact vehicle is the Taos. Same MQB platform. Same four door-hatchback layout. Same 1.5-liter turbo-4. Same premium price over the Jetta sedan (which survives as VW’s entry-level vehicle … for now). Same $24,190 starting price. But, boy, has the brand focus changed.

And that’s important in a U.S. market where giant SUVs stalk the earth and a new generation of Americans demand that their transportation rides high like a Conestoga wagon. Still, it’s jarring for us VW vets who grew up ducking into low-slung Golfs and taking the back roads to our destination.

I didn’t so much duck into the Taos as slide in. Like jumping on a bar stool instead of stooping into a diner booth. SUV hip points are about half-a-foot higher than a car but it feels like much more. Barreling into a sweeper on Hadley Road north of Chelsea, I stabbed the Taos’ brake pedal to stabilize the Conestoga wagon on turn-in.

Detroit News critic Henry Payne took the 2022 VW Taos through Hell, Michigan's twisty roads - but no one will confuse the big subcompact SUV with a nimble Golf.

I’d never do that in a nimble Golf. That’s when it hits you. This isn’t a big Golf — it’s a mini-Atlas.

Atlas, of course, is the brand’s humongous three-row SUV. Made in Tennessee. All-wheel drive. Bold truck-like grille. Oh, yes, VW understands us Yankees now. It wasn’t always so.

VW resisted the SUV trend in early days with its first too-small Tiguan compact ute sampling the U.S. market like a Bratwurst maker forced into making — Gott on Himmel! — hot dogs!

But with the second-generation long-wheel-base three-row Tiggy, VW got it. Then came the Atlas, which (true to its namesake) put the brand on its back and carried it to new heights. Together with its sister, the two-row Atlas Cross Sport, it has outsold Tiguan to start 2021. Speaking of sisters, my own sis bought one and declared it the best V-dub she’s ever had (she’s owned several). She even gave it a nickname: Lassie. Remember when folks use to do that with Golfs? Gott in Himmel.

My nickname for Taos is Son of Atlas.

The rear seat is yuuuge. I sat behind myself with ease. Not only did my 6’5” knees have room behind the backseat, I had inches to spare. The Golf used to be roomy among its class peers (think Corolla and Mazda hatches) thanks to its squared-off styling. Taos benefits from the same design.

Detroit News auto critic Henry Payne and his 6'5" frame could easily sit behind himself in the 2022 VW Taos.

My expectations were that Taos would be a Hyundai Venue or Nissan Kicks-fighter. Small, cheap. I was wrong. VW leaves the $19K space to Jetta. The Taos starts a class higher, with my front-wheel-drive SE and all-wheel-drive SEL testers soaring as high as $34K. Want a VW hatchback that costs south of $20,000? Buy a used Golf.

The Taos niche on the menu has grown quickly in recently years to slake Americans’ insatiable appetite for all things ute. It’s aimed squarely at the Jeep Compass, Subaru Crosstrek, Chevy Trailblazer, Mazda CX-30 and Kia Seltos.

Think of it as the pasta serving at an upscale Italian Bistro between appetizer and entrée. These dishes are spicy meatballs. Much of that spice is communicated via outdoor ruggedness, like the all-new Crosstrek I cooed over last year with its tough mug and running-shoe-like cladding.

Interestingly, VW went after the Crosstrek five years ago with the Golf Alltrack — a raised (by 0.6 inches) Golf. Like the Crosstrek (essentially a raised Impreza hatchback), it seemed an easy solution. I loved it. Consumers didn’t. They passed over it as an SUV pretender. Tough crowd.

Golf Alltrack died quietly after the 2019 model year, clearing the way for Taos.

Upright Taos dresses up nicely in hiking garb. Further proof that Atlas’ size — not Golf athleticism — sets the tone for V-dub these days, the Taos offers only a 1.5-liter, 148-horse engine compared to the Alltrack’s 170-horse, 1.8-liter turbo-4. And Taos doesn’t even offer an engine upgrade like, say, the 250-horse Mazda CX-30 Turbo, which stands out as class athlete.

Indeed, I was particularly taken by the Taos SE with black trim and 18-inch black wheels. Like its targeted millennial demographic, Taos is also determined to accessorize outdoors chic with digital tech. Think an Apple Watch to go with your hiking boots.

A digital cockpit and infotainment screen come standard on Taos, with larger displays available. Tech such as rear camera, smartphone connectivity and auto headlights are standard as expected in this class — but then VW steps out of the rigid trim walk and offers the content-rich $995 IQ.Drive on even its base SE model: blindspot assist, adaptive cruise control, lane-keep assist, rear traffic alert, rain-sensing wipers, the works.

The 2022 VW Taos offers digital displays standard. They can be controlled from the steering wheel as well as by touch (console screen).

Winter-weary Michiganians will also appreciate that AWD is offered at entry trim (for $2,045) — another dramatic departure from the Golf class that only offered AWD as a performance accessory on the rambunctious, track-tastic $40K-something Golf R.

Ergonomics are quite good — with the caveat that V-dub continues to resist an audio mute button. Want to turn off your radio without shutting down the entire infotainment display? Ya’ gotta’ turn the knob aaaaaall. The. Way. Down. Gaaaargh!

Ahem. Otherwise, there are big knobs everywhere and information-rich digital screens so your eyes won’t be long diverted from the road.

Or off-road. Taos’ sheer interior size (its rear seat and cargo dimensions are only slightly smaller than Tiguan) will encourage families to pile in for long adventures. As such, Taos is another gas-powered threat to VW’s claimed electric future. With 410 miles of get-away-from-it-all range from its sippy, torquey 1.5-liter engine versus 250 miles for a much pricier ID.4, the Taos begs the question: Why EV?

Grunting along Unadilla Township’s back roads in the AWD Taos, my eyes began to wander looking for dirt roads to play on. A decidedly un-Golf-like thought.

What’s next VW? A pickup?

2022 Volkswagen Taos

Vehicle type: Front engine, front and-all-wheel-drive, five-passenger compact SUV

Price: $24,190, including $1,095 destination fee ($32,685 FWD SE and $35,440 AWD SEL models as tested)

Powerplant: 1.5-liter turbo-4 cylinder

Power: 158 horsepower, 184 pound-feet torque

Transmission: 7-speed dual-clutch automatic (AWD) or 8-speed automatic (FWD)

Performance: 0-60 mph, 7.8 seconds (Car and Driver est.); top speed, 120 mph

Weight: 3,430 pounds (AWD as tested)

Fuel economy: EPA est. mpg 28 city/36 highway/31 combined (FWD); 25 city/33 highway/28 combined (AWD)

Report card

Highs: Roomy interior; digital displays

Lows: Lacks Golf nimbleness; mute button, please

Overall: 3 stars

Cartoon: Warp Speed Vaccines and Biden

Posted by Talbot Payne on June 3, 2021

Payne: Starter Nissan Versa is roomy, techy (just beware the gerbils)

Posted by Talbot Payne on June 3, 2021

If I were shopping for my first car today? My Neanderthal tastes haven’t progressed much since I was a 22 year old exiting college in 1984. Back then, I wanted speed, speed, speed. And some hatchback utility.

I bought a used VW Rabbit GTI. I’d do the same today. Cost? About $18,000 with 75,000 miles as I surf the used car ads (the Rabbit is now a Golf).

That said, it’s comforting to see that there are new cars available for that price that don’t stink. In fact, they are quite pleasant. Take the all-new 2021 Nissan Versa I flogged across the Arizona desert recently.

Sporting the snazzy, V-motion grille found on bigger siblings like Altima and sculpted body stampings across its hood and flanks, the Versa was a nice weekend date out of the Enterprise subcompact sedan rental pool.

The pool has become a lot shallower of late.

Stylin'. The 2021 Nissan Versa shows off its pleasant curves in the artsy town of Tucson, Arizona.

Detroit automakers have abandoned the segment save the Chevy Spark (a cutie that, alas, was given a coat of vanilla for its 2021 refresh. C’mon, GM, these wee products need to stand out on the shelf!). Want Detroit iron? Hit the used lot. That leaves the new sedan menu to Asian morsels like the Hyundai Accent and Kia Rio appetizers.

To attract first-time American buyers, Nissan goes big. We Yanks take up a lotta room, after all.

I’m a 6’5” giraffe and was shocked that I could sit behind myself in an entry-level sedan. That size continues in the boot, where Mrs. Payne and I stuffed in two carry-ons, a tennis bag and another large bag. That’s more than a Kia Optima can swallow.

Entry-level prices can be a little deceiving for subcompacts as the standard, $15,930 Versa comes equipped with a manual and no Apple CarPlay. The former suits me just fine (my first GTI was a manual), but the lack of smartphone capability in the early 21st century is unworkable. Gotta have your smartphone running navigation when wanderlust calls.

So think of my SV-trim tester as the starter price at $18,130 — still well below what you can find in the SUV class. For that, you get the essential smartphone apps, blind-spot assist, cruise control (adaptive is available on the upper SR trim) and auto high beams. That’s a sweet suite of stuff — and on par with a used 2016 Golf GTI.

What you don’t get for your 18 grand is horsepower. The Versa is gerbil powered — 122 of them.

My interstate merges were done full throttle lest I be trampled by a herd of SUVs and semi-trucks. With a continuously variable rubber band — er, transmission — running the show, the Versa’s four cylinders make quite a racket.

The soapbar-shaped 2021 Nissan Versa is a smart buy in the subcompact segment starting at $15k. The Detroit Three have largely abandoned the class.

Leave Tucson to the north and the table-flat desert gives way to the rolling foothills of the Santa Catalina Mountains. Twisties abound and the versatile Versa is fun to throw around — as long as you remember to get on the throttle early out of turns lest the gerbil wheel stalls mid-stroke.

Despite my heavy right foot, I managed an impressive 38 miles to the gallon — better than the advertised 35 mpg EPA — over some 300 miles of driving. That’s good news for the tight budgets of 20-somethings.

While you won’t confuse Versa’s interior for its fancy Sentra big brother (a contender for last year’s North American Car of the Year), it never discomfited my big frame.

The cloth seats fit nicely, and the instrument display is split between an analog speedometer and digital display. I thumbed through digital pages that featured mpg, mph and tire pressure data.

The interior of the 2021 Nissan Versa features comfortable seats for long trips, and (on the SV model and above) smartphone app connectivity and CVT tranny.

Typical of Nissan, engineers have included thoughtful details throughout. Door-mounted mirrors, for example, make for better outward visibility. Unscrewing a Snapple bottle at a stoplight, I yearned for a little door handle-mounted cubby to store the cap. There it was, right at my elbow.

Still, having spent the week before my Versa date in $30K-plus compact SUVs, I was quickly reminded of how spoiled modern electronics have made me. In the sub-$20K subcompact class, passive key entry is a luxury. I had to unlock the doors manually with the fob (“Thurston, is that a bead of sweat on your brow?”) as well as the trunk. Safety features like auto-shift-into-park-when-the-door-opens and adaptive cruise control have expanded the safety cocoon around more expensive vehicles.

That used 2016 Golf GTI will come similarly equipped, though it will be 75,000 miles worse for the wear. It will also have 220 horses under the hood, tempting Neanderthals like me.

If you prefer zero miles on the odometer — and don’t mind fuel-efficient gerbils — then the Nissan Versa is a fine choice.

With floating roof and rear diffuser treatment, the comfortable seats for long trips ain't bad lookin' for an entry-lvel vehicle.

2021 Nissan Versa

Vehicle type: Front engine, front-wheel-drive, five-passenger subcompact sedan

Price: $15,930, including $950 destination fee ($18,130 as tested)

Powerplant: 1.6-liter 4 cylinder

Power: 122 horsepower, 114 pound-feet torque

Transmission: 5-speed or continuously variable transmission

Performance: 0-60 mph, 9.0 seconds (Car and Driver est.); top speed, 115 mph

Weight: 2,657 pounds (SV as tested)

Fuel economy: EPA est. mpg 32 city/40 highway/35 combined (CVT)

Report card

Highs: Roomy interior; pleasant to look at outside

Lows: No standard smartphone connectivity; gerbil power

Overall: 3 stars

Cartoon: No Mask Media

Posted by Talbot Payne on June 1, 2021

Cartoon: Electric Indy 500 2030

Posted by Talbot Payne on June 1, 2021

Cartoon: Indy 500 Helio and Fauci

Posted by Talbot Payne on June 1, 2021

Cartoon: Memorial Day Superheroes

Posted by Talbot Payne on May 28, 2021

Cartoon: Facebook Unblocks China COVID

Posted by Talbot Payne on May 28, 2021

Cartoon: Whitmer Restaurant Rules

Posted by Talbot Payne on May 28, 2021

Payne: Used 2015 Tesla Model S P90D is a Ludicrous bargain

Posted by Talbot Payne on May 27, 2021

The OG has still got it.

It’s been over three years since I’ve been behind the wheel of a Tesla Model S. The Original Gangster. The breakthrough electric vehicle that redefined what a battery-powered vehicles could be. Since that time, I’ve owned two Model 3s — the more affordable junior version of S that made the Silicon Valley brand a luxe best-seller when it was introduced in 2017.

But here’s the thing. The Model S is not only still state-of-the-art, it’s now affordable too.

What are you waiting for? This used, 2015 Tesla Model S P90D with 60,000 miles can be had for under $50,000 - a far cry from the car's new price of $140k - yet the S is as modern as ever.

The used market is awash in Model S cars going back to its original 2012 model year. Good cars. Like the 2015 Model S P90D with 60,000 miles I drove for two days while my Model 3 Performance was in the shop (to clean out a mouse that tried to escape from Michigan’s winter by nesting in the floorboards).

Ludicrous mode. Zero-to-60 in 2.8 seconds. All-wheel drive. Leather and Alcantara interior. Panoramic sunroof.

Tesla’s Clarkston dealership was using this P90D as a loaner for customers like me, but I’m sure they’d sell it to you. Offer 45 grand. That’s right, $45,000, a few grand more than the average $38,900 new car price paid in 2020. If they won’t sell it to you, there’s one in Glendale, Arizona, for $46.4K with 55,000 miles. Or Chattanooga for $49.9K with 50K miles, or …

You get the idea. They’re out there at accessible prices for a sedan that sold new for $140 grand. A new, 2021 Model S starts at $79,990. The performance version (now called Plaid instead of P90D)? $120k.

Despite its six-year age, a used Model S still feels like the most modern car in the midsize market. Other manufacturers have pedaled hard to catch up — most notably Mercedes, which now sports most of the tech features found in the Model S. But S remains as fresh as the first time I saw it on the Detroit auto show floor in 2012.

The 2015 Tesla Model S P90D wows with its 17-inch console screen and all-digital displays. The rest of the industry is still catching up to S tech.

Crowds were three deep to get into it. They ogled its big screen. Its simple interior. My Model 3 took that simplicity to its logical extreme — an iPhone-simple interior with everything located in a 12-inch center screen. It was the Model 3’s radical design that enticed me to put $1,000 down after Elon Musk unveiled it in April 2016. I put a deposit on a $50,000 car without even sitting in it. Before a single model had even rolled off the line.

Because I knew its potential after driving multiple Model S’s.

Turning right onto Interstate 75 after leaving the Clarkson dealership, I matted the throttle and … curses! The Tesla mother ship in Silicon Valley had restricted the loaner car’s drive mode to “Chill.” No Ludicrous mode for loaner drivers. Insurance reasons, I get it.

But the 4,800-pound sedan still surged forward nicely — an appetizer for the dizzying, face-flattening torque that Ludicrous mode offers. Yet for all its heft (equal to a base Ford F-150), the Model S felt planted, its battery underneath me creating a center of gravity lower than a Porsche Boxster Cayman, for goodness sake. I hustled around the clover leaf.

I barked a restaurant destination — “Zao Jun in Bloomfield Hills, Michigan” — and the system didn’t miss a thing, perfectly interpreting my southern West Virginia command for an Asian restaurant. I set sail using the beautiful Google Earth-rendered display that still wows nearly a decade after I first saw it on the showroom floor.

In Ludicrous mode, the 2015 Tesla Model S P90D will hit 60 mph in just 2.8 seconds.

Significantly, the S felt current — its software updated through 2020 by over-the-air updates to contain the latest infotainment and toybox features (like Fireplace) that Tesla offers. That is, despite being six years old, the Model S has gotten better, its graphics and features updating all the while.

What the used Model S did not have, however, was Autopilot.

Though all cars Tesla manufactured from September 2014-October 2016 contained the hardware necessary for driver-assist, my car likely didn’t have the updated software for the same reason it was denied Ludicrous mode: so loaner customers didn’t play with it. It can be, um, intense for the uninitiated.

That will be fine with most folks (a friend of mine has a Model S with Autopilot and never uses it) since the vehicle’s standard adaptive cruise control, lane-keep assist and emergency braking are excellent. I cruised happily around town barking navigation instructions, deferring to the auto windshield wipers to clear muck from my screen, and watching the auto high beams switch on/off when they sensed another car.

The 2015 model still has the “nose cap” (as Tesla-philes call it) — that awkward faux plastic grille that S sedans had until designers removed it for a simpler “falcon beak” in 2016. My Model 3 looks awkward with no grille at all — its nose as featureless as bad guy Voldemort in a Harry Potter movie.

Best of both worlds. The 2015 Tesla Model S P90D features low-center-of-gravity sedan handling with the hatchback practicality of an SUV.

For $1,750, you can buy an updated front clip for the Model S from TSportline.

Unlike Model 3, Model S is equipped with a hatchback, opening massive rear cargo space just like an SUV. Or an A7, my favorite Audi sedan. It’s the best of both worlds: SUV utility meets sedan’s low center of gravity.

The Model S is also solid as a rock at high speed. Mrs. Payne remarked on how hushed the interior felt compared to the Model 3 — which has had numerous build issues as Tesla rushed them out the door to fill demand. Pals who own Model S’s have remarked to me how reliable theirs have been — a testament to the simplicity of the Tesla’s build. Electric motors and batteries don’t require much maintenance.

So for your $45,000 luxury yacht, you also get low maintenance costs. And — finally! — a dealership nearby.

The Clarkson dealership is the first in the state for Tesla after the incoming Whitmer administration lifted restrictions on manufacturers (i.e., Tesla) selling directly to customers. The state legislature tried to reverse the order, but the effort died in the Senate.

The interior of the 2015 Tesla Model S P90D. In addition to its tablet-like, 17-inch screen, the Tesla has received regular updates over the air that have made the car better on six years. Updates like Autopilot self-driving and audio features.

Just a half hour up I-75 from my Oakland County home, I returned the S and picked up my repaired Model 3. The 3 remains my preferred Tesla for its compact size and more track-worthy nature (we motorheads like track days).

But a low-mileage, sub-$50,000 P90D is a tempting dish indeed. Especially as it tastes as fresh as when it came out of the oven.

2015 Used Tesla Model S P90D 

Vehicle type: Battery-powered, all-wheel-drive, five-passenger luxury sedan

Price: est. $45,000-$50,000 ($139,700 when new in 2015)

Powerplant: 90 kWh lithium-ion battery with twin, electric-motor drive

Power: 532 horsepower, 713 pound-feet torque

Transmission: One-speed direct drive

Performance: 0-60 mph, 2.8 seconds (Car and Driver); top speed, 155 mph

Weight: 4,842 pounds

Fuel economy: EPA MPGe 89 city/98 highway; range, 270 miles

Report card

Highs: Exotic EV at an affordable price; Ludicrous mode

Lows: Charging on long trips tedious; “nose cap”

Overall: 4 stars

 

Cartoon: Mickelson Biden Neanderthals

Posted by Talbot Payne on May 26, 2021

Cartoon: Woke President’s Limo

Posted by Talbot Payne on May 25, 2021

Payne: With V-8 power, Wrangler Rubicon 392 is King of the Jeeps

Posted by Talbot Payne on May 25, 2021

Holly — Well, you just knew the mad scientists in Auburn Hills had this up their sleeve. First came the Dodge Challenger SRT Hellcat. Then the Dodge Charger SRT Hellcat family sedan. Followed by the Jeep Grand Cherokee Trackhawk family SUV.

Now doff your cap to the earth-shaking 470-horsepower Jeep Wrangler Rubicon 392 off-road vehicle stuffed with the same 392-cubic-inch V-8 found in the Dodge Challenger Scat Pack, for goodness sake. The forest will never be the same.

I took the juiced Wrangler to Holly Oaks ORV Park (now open with your ORV sticker!) and made the trees shake. The ground quake. The rocks crumble. After I hurtled around the dirt track at obtuse angles, Joey Logano approached me and asked if he could enter the Wrangler in next year’s NASCAR Bristol dirt race.

Jeep’s compact SUV is insane. My only question is: was the alphanumeric 392 badge the best marketing could come up with?

The 2021 Jeep Wrangler Rubicon 392 has all the off-road goodies - plus 470 horsepower.

How about Beast? Hulk? Was Hellboy taken?

After all, Jeep executives have made clear they don’t have room to fit the supercharged 700-plus horsepower Hellcat engine in the Wrangler without compromising crumple safety zones — so this is the highest-flying V-8-powered Wrangler we’re going to get. Heck, at $74,995 it actually costs more than a Challenger Hellcat. If an alphanumeric badge it must be, how about 666?

The Wrangler Rubicon 392 is a treat from the moment you push the Start button on the dash.

BRAAAPP! The 6.4-liter V-8 roars to life like someone stuck the Kraken with a hot poker (was Kraken taken?). Unlike its sedan and SUV peers, the Wrangler is wonderfully uninsulated due to its removable doors and roof, so the sounds wash over you like a wave.

Naturally, Jeep dressed the 392 in full Rubicon off-road battle dress so that you could enjoy all the amenities the King of Off-road has to offer. The Jeep faithful will strip off the doors and peel back the roof to get even closer to the V-8 roar. If we had done that on this sun-soaked Saturday morning — a day after heavy rains in southeast Michigan — we would have been caked with mud from head to toe. We left the doors on.

A red Wrangler Rubicon is a beautiful canvas to paint with mud. Now that’s landscape art.

When not destroying sports cars out of stoplights, the 392 loses none of its abilities off-road. Indeed, the 392 is raised another inch to encourage you to take it where the asphalt ends.

The 2021 Jeep Wrangler Rubicon 392 gets signature spare tire and impressive departure angle.

That extra inch is functional — a testament to the extensive re-engineering Jeep’s surgeons did to make this Frankenjeep monster a reality. The engine bay has been extensively reworked to fit the taller, longer, hungrier V-8. The hood scoop is real, and more airways are available should it get blocked or overwhelmed by a wave of muck while treading up to 32 inches of water.

Years ago, a mod shop stuffed a Porsche 968 motor into my Porsche 944 (more power! Uh uh uh!) engine bay, requiring extensive plumbing. And that was just swapping a 2.5-liter 4-banger for a 3.0-liter four. Ask an aftermarket shop to upgrade your Jeep Rubicon to a V-8 and you’re likely looking at a bill north of $40,000. Jeep does it for $24,000 over the standard Rubicon.

The Frankenstein transformation doesn’t stop at the engine bay. In addition to the aforementioned lift, the ladder frame gets stiffening, and the suspension gains Fox performance shocks and muscular Dana axles off the Gladiator pickup.

Bottom line: this is the most capable Jeep Wrangler ever, with 10.3 inches of ground clearance and an absurd 4.5-second 0-60 dash. Even the Rubicon’s legendary approach/breakover/departure angles increase up 44.5/22.6/37.5 degrees. Boowah-haw-haw!

Scaling the South Face of the parks’ Sandbox area is a formidable task as you have to accelerate up a sandy hill that steepens to 31 degrees (think Daytona’s high banking) at the top.

With 470 pound-feet of torque, my 392 fearlessly attacked the obstacle, flinging sand plumes from its knobby tires. At the top of the ridge Wrangler surveyed its Jeep kingdom below like Simba on Pride Rock. Ah, when the Ford Bronco arrives this summer, the fur will fly at Holly Oaks.

Soft ground after overnight rains demands extra safety vigilance over Holly Oaks’ steep, 200-foot drops. I man-handled the transfer case shifter into 4-low, locked front and rear axles, disconnected the swaybar and grunted across muddy Darlene’s Ridge — the huge 33-inch tires slipping and sliding but clawing for grip.

The interior of the 2021 Jeep Wrangler Rubicon 392. UCOnnect screen, automatic tranny. Mud optional.

Grip was an issue on the steep rocks of the park’s signature Mashed Potato hill on Mt. Magna for some V-6-powered Rubicons. For the V-8, it was a piece of cake, the suspension lift adding extra clearance for the rugged frame.

On Holly Oaks’ challenging five-turn Glen short course, I turned off traction control to allow the rear end to really hang loose. I’ve overcooked the course’s moguls before — separating a Ford Ranger Tremor’s tire from its rim — but the Wrangler 392 comes standard with bead locks to protect against separation anxiety.

As I’m 6’ 5”, my biggest concern was hitting my noggin on the roll bar as we flew over hillocks.

For its ultimate workhorse, Jeep has spared nothing. The 392 gets signature bronze tow hooks, leather 392 seat badging, a Sky One Touch roof, front-facing crawl camera, paddle shifters — even a quiet mode button on the dash should you want to hear the person in the backseat over the wail of the V-8.

That second shifter in the 2021 Jeep Wrangler Rubicon 392 is for the low-speed transfer case to engage the driveline in serious off-roading.

But if it’s quiet you’re looking for on your off-road wanderings, get the plug-in hybrid 4xe that I recently tested in Texas. You can stealthily sneak around Holly Oaks and listen to every twig snap under your 33s.

The 392, on the other hand, is all about teeth-baring, chest-thumping dominance.

I know, let’s call it Kong.

2021 Jeep Wrangler Rubicon 392

Vehicle type: Front engine, four-wheel-drive, five-passenger compact SUV

Price: $74,995, including $1,495 destination fee ($78,545 as tested)

Powerplant: 6.4-liter V-8

Power: 470 horsepower, 470 pound-feet torque

Transmission: 8-speed automatic

Performance: 0-60 mph, 4.5 seconds (mfr.); towing capacity, 3,500 pounds

Weight: 5,100 pounds

Fuel economy: EPA est. mpg 13 city/17 highway/14 combined

Report card

Highs: Off-road cred; a Hemi V-8 in a Wrangler, need I say more?

Lows: Drinks gas; gotta shout to be heard in the cabin

Overall: 4 stars

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